| i want to trade my pierced heart for the sun |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|04:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pj harvey-"kick it to the ground" | ] |
...forgiveness is a LOOOOOOOONG process...
but anyways, on a lighter note, today i went to the market after school and bought myself stuff to make a birthday cake, well...chocolate silk pie, i like that better than cake. ok well, i hate my birthday and i just wanted my sixteenth to just go past without anything, no gifts, no celebration, no acknowledgement (ok ok i do like gifts). i hate even bringing it up cuz then people think i want attention. its not really passive aggressive, cuz i wouldnt be angry at people, i would be a little i guess, but this year everyones just so busy so i just kinda like, want it to be all or nothing at all, im tired so id rather just get together with friends and family and not celebrate bdays. but now that the years almost over im trying to embrace happiness more. i was all gung-ho about playing my music and talking on the phone and making my pie when i got home but my moms gonna be at home for the next two weeks cuz her office is under construction so im gonna feel...just...invaded. ok well, believe me, im very happy right now. im just listening to my PJ Harvey b-sides and they are depressing me sooooooo much, the songs remind me of him.
woo-hoo! i actually am very feisty and giddy and i actually feel like the things are...not better...just not getting worse. |
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| the only way out is through |
[May. 10th, 2004|05:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | working at unattachment | ] |
wow! i haven't updated this in forever. ok well, first, on may 5th i came to the conclusion that i'm not in love with Joey anymore. nothing happened to make me stop, i just realized i was beating a dead horse. it's a strange feeling, i'm still technically in love but i'm pushing myself out rather than holding on. it's like you've had someone there with you for such a long time, then they die, and you don't know where to go from there. he's dead now. i liked his sense of humor so much, but then he treated me like a friend, like an equal, and it made me feel warm inside. it was real deep at that point but when i found out hes had a rough life and doesnt get much attention, thats when i tied myself around his foot. i was devoted. but i cant save him, his own destruction was inevitable way before i knew him. i cant quite comprehend yet, how to stop feeling responsible, but ill try. that family is just a wreck, and i am too, but i think i still make an effort at life. so i started by announcing it to all my friends and hopefully with the arrival of summer i can focus on my own happiness for a while, i really stopped keeping myself in priority and i nearly dies, literally, and suicide isn't the answer but the thought is just as close as ever. thank you Lizzie for helping me, all my friends. i guess after your first love ends, youre on a course for disaster for the rest of your life. Joey left a huge void, no one can ever replace, but there is other love out there that can help fix other parts of me. my sister said that i wont date in high school but college is a better time to come out (into the dating world). that makes the most sense but it hurts so bad knowing im still gonna have to be reminded of Joey for the rest of high school. but as much as i gave, i just have to put that behind me (you can't win 'em all). theyre (the zuziaks) are just self-destructive, and i don't want to be with someone that i will love but will in reality bring me down in the end. religion is ap retense with them, and love is feigned, and thats just not what god intended for me to end up with, but i cared about that whole family, i wouldve gotten them all gifts and stuff too and i wouldve helped out anyway i could. itll take along time to recover, very long, it wasnt just my hormones acting up, i really went out on alimb, and i dont regret it, i would only regret it if i gave more of my time and effort to someone who doesnt want it. i dont hate Joey, but hed even be happy if i tossed in the towel, i cant keep worrying if hes gonna think "everyone gives up on me", he should know by now that im here for him no matter what, but i won't let him walk all over me. what reese witherspoon said in sweet home alabama, "you only give your heart away once" is true. but i have a soul that can love and that cant be taken away. (the heart is like tonsils apparently). that new alanis morissette song "everything" is where i hope to be someday, to find someone to love everything about, and someone to love me the same.
...well....new subject...Disneyworld was fun!! I had fun except i ummm.....got rather "sick" there. i drank alot of water but something just happened i guess. i don't want this to run too long, so i'll spare you the details, it was great though.
i went to CVD last weekend. i had great fun, i went by myself, i just put that bitterness aside and had fun. its too expensive but it was worth it (where else am i gonna spend my allowance?). i was supposed to work last friday from 10 to 12 at night but no one showed so Gui's mama let me go early. i expected some sort of hot dog crack to come up when i was there and i was right, Jordan had to wave one at me. im ok with that though. i kinda laughed. i saw alot of old friends from los cerritos and i won a huge mallet thing.
my family wants to do a mesh bday party for me and all the birthdays in the family from february to now. i dont mind, im insecure around my family, alot of emotional damage to go, but ill work on whats past so that i can be the best cousin and nephew i can be. i cant believe another year is gone in school. im sad, but happy too, i cant wait for yearbooks. summer school should keep me busy, ok well i love you all and pray for me to slowly unwind from the last year and a half+ that was my Joey period. its weird knowing that feelings only subside but never die for someone...wow. talk to y'all later!
"when you fall for the garbage man, you wind up in the garbage"-Hole |
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| florida here i come |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|10:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored and shabby | ] |
| [ | music |
| | butterfly boucher- "another white dash" | ] |
im going to florida tomorrow, for disneyworld, yay! i freak out with planes so this is hell to look forward to, but itll be fun. it wont be much of an easter but whatever, im gonna tan i hope. itll be fun though. so i hope all my friends are doing something special. anyways, i thought i had more to say but i loveyas and i want you all to be safe. oh...and please leave me alot of comments so i'll be excited to come home. yea ok anyways, love you all and bye. |
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| how much does a heart weigh? |
[Apr. 2nd, 2004|02:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | petals and dryness | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ani difranco- "slide" | ] |
i picked a flower today, when i got out of the car it fell out onto the parking lot and i stepped on it by accident, needless to say it was completely mutilated, for the rest of the car ride home i nursed it. then i thought to myself, maybe this is an omen, this flower will never be as beautiful as it once was, and it is completely destroyed and maybe i just have to live with that, but maybe there's still some beauty left in this flower and i'm gonna take this moment to appreciate it...this may be all i get. |
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| i think i failed my math test |
[Mar. 31st, 2004|02:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | eh.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pj harvey- "kamikaze" | ] |
hello...im back. today i felt sick all morning, but nooooooooo...it had to clear up before math, so i took the test. this chapter seemed particularly hard, or maybe i shouldve just studied a bit more, then it wouldnt have been so hard. i spent most of last nite doing the hws i didnt do before. its not my fault i had so many math hws to make up, i hate why mehrabi doesnt collect them daily, its just too easy to fall behind when you wait to turn them in at the end of the chapter. its not like im lazy, just the hw takes me at LEAST an hour and a half (an hour if its easy) and i usually dont have that time, i need to relax a lil...im gonna hate next year, my sister said stuff about college and it sounds awful. life here on out looks like hell from here. grrr...adults like making sure theyve completely worn out young people before they are thrown into the work force. anyways, i saw Joey hugging some girl and holding her hand a bit from the second story today (bad feeling in my heart). they might just be friends but its still very hard because i do more than those girls do and he completely avoids saying hello to me, its my fault, i wanted to give him this poem i wrote and i thought that would bring us closer together, stupid me, i dont understand male sexuality *scratches head "arent these boys supposed to be attracted to me the way im attracted to them?"* *looks down..."oh...i forgot"*. my brain cannot make sense of human nature, and im human! anyways, i was getting off topic, the only reason i was watching him was because i wanted to wait til he left so that i could go down to emma and ashleys lockers (which are near his). ashley asked me to switch her lock with emmas for april fools tomorrow. sounds funny, i think ill pass on april fools crap though, im not into that. the thing is, is emmas grandmother died so im not sure if she'll be here tomorrow. but however it goes, i think emma will like the joke. as for me im a lil stressed about next years schedule but whatever *tosses hands up in air*, i love you all. i shall see you later. |
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| ill let you in on a little secret: my lock combo is 15-3-11 |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|02:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  yucky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pj harvey- "good fortune" | ] |
hmmmmmm.....sam developed all the pictures of me, i look disgusting. emma said that i was posing and it looked like i was pretending to be a girl (uh...actually, i was being my complete natural self, thats why im disgusting). i guess the female mannerisms came through, the pictures wouldve been graceful had it not been for my ugly self, plus i never realized but my butt sort of protrudes, i hate that and its about time i cut my hair, im not a girl so im not growing it out, i looked like such a freak with my hair to one side covering my eye. it would look better on someone else, but my hair just falls that way i guess. my lock got cut off today along with more than a thousand other kids (most likely senior prank). another day Joey managed to avoid me. i wrote a poem about how i fear hes not a virgin anymore called throbbing, it got quite a rise out of the people that saw it. i love the guy, im HIS girl. nevermind, he just says he appreciates what i do yet im completely invisible to him. im dying right now cuz i dont know whether or not to continue with wit. if i go, ima miss so many people (especially LIZZIE!). but id like more of a social life and i hate the tech stuff im doing now. ms. wat is completely pink today, she burned herself i guess. sigh, i have way too much work to do tonite. im looking up suicide prevention websites, im sorry if i ever do commit suicide, its totally selfish, but sometimes i wish the people that love me would look at it as putting me out of my misery. sorry, thats a depressing end but i hafta go, i love you all. |
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| that day |
[Mar. 19th, 2004|03:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | poe- "that day" | ] |
I hope one day you call up your father
And you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you
And how he made you hurt another
'Cause it makes me sad. |
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| candy for friends |
[Mar. 16th, 2004|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad/ trying hard to be happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | incubus | ] |
sometimes.....i wish there was no such thing as sex.....or really handsome boys that can't love me like i love him.....you can do everything right but sometimes you still feel worthless.....or on the outside.....or that terrible feeling where you can't trust your convictions.....when you make the right decision but hate it.....or the truth and you hate that.....or maybe its happy on the outside.............maybe thats how they see the inside.....you want to make them happy in order to be happy yourself but it doesnt work |
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| ay bobby! |
[Mar. 15th, 2004|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  in love/angry at CAHSEE's | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alanis morissette- "everything" | ] |
hmmmm.....god was reluctant to let me be happy. i had an amazing weekend and i came to school all peppy but god sent me a rush of hormones during my spanish test and then my bio test so i only had Joey on my mind. i had to go in at lunch and finish them. it so sweet, first it was all romantic but then i got hella horny so my heart was like full of adrenaline all day and like i wanted to jump on every boy in sight. plus, i couldnt find my bio book so i was fearing for that and my grade (it had all my packet work inside it). I went and bought a freakin cookie for Lizzie but she wasnt there so 5th period was a total zoo. i gave brad a hershey bar and cheez-its and he actually tolerated me today. stupid exit exams tomorrow. im glad i was a freshman last year cuz they let me off campus. now the poor freshies have to endure some stupid assembly thing. well, that was my day, it started off good, then it got sorta low, but it turned out okay. i love yas!
oh yeah, i really like that new alanis morissette song, it's so sweet!! |
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| down |
[Mar. 4th, 2004|04:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sympathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liz phair- "down" | ] |
I'm feeling the sting of surprise |
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| blah |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|06:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | about to have a heart attack | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pj harvey-"happy and bleeding" | ] |
i forgot to mention i saw Liz Phair on thursday night. yup.....it was great, she started with "Flower" and that was awesome (check the lyrics, it's my revenge song to all men). she played older hits. She did a great job at all of those but she doesnt have the vocals to sing "6'1"" anymore. She played "Chopsticks" which was pretty heartbreaking but she played all the bouncy pop stuff like "Why Can't I?", "Extraordinary" and "Supernova". She played "Stratford-On-Guy" with just her guitar and no one else backing her. Most of the repertoire just consisted of the new stuff which was great. I probably would've enjoyed the older stuff more but she was really great. I was like not even ten feet away from her which was also cool. Overall I enjoyed it. Sorry this entry is kinda esoteric but you should really check her old stuff, it's not necessarily catchy but it's really honest and empowering and intelligent. It takes a few listens to get stuck in your head. I have like everything she's ever recorded now. Today was eh, alright, I'm just so jealous and paranoid I could have a heart attack. But I have work to do so I'll spare you the details. How are all of you? |
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| comeandgetit |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|06:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | still | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pj harvey- "happy and bleeding" | ] |
sometimes all you need is a napkin. |
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| sigh of pain |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|07:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hurt | ] |
My body's not ready for my mind to learn
I have just been consigned here to rot in the earth |
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| Extraordinary |
[Feb. 22nd, 2004|10:32 pm] |
You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me
Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?
So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
-Liz Phair |
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| someone love me, im so in love right now |
[Feb. 22nd, 2004|10:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good/sad sex & the city's over | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liz phair- "extraordinary" | ] |
farewell carrie, miranda, samantha, and charlotte, ill never forget what youve done for me. |
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| thursday |
[Feb. 19th, 2004|08:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | marc anthony- "asi como hoy" | ] |
miracle is a pretty good movie! i had to write about the character Mike Eruzione in the movie. the actor that played him was hot, so at least i kept focused on the movie, no, i wasn't really fantasizing about him, i just enjoyed the movie. lunch really sucked. sherri said brad slapped her kadunkadunk today...that was a little funny...i said he was sleazy and of course she pulled that whole six degrees of separation to make...nevermind. well, today was different, but okay. the only bathroom working or unlocked in the school was the one in the locker room so i had to run all over the school trying to hold it in, i'd been holding for a while too. i wish i coulda gone to spirit night. ok well, ill see you later!
p.s. if you love someone, how can you stand back and watch them hurt? |
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| if in rain, lied my tears |
[Feb. 18th, 2004|03:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
hello, today was ok, we had to get our AP test info this morning in second period. i had the song "breathe" by melissa etheridge stuck in my head, thats a great song! and then i went into the hall and the yeah yeah yeah's "maps" got into my head. out in the rain i started to think of hilary duff's "come clean", my mood was definitely strange today, you know, it's sad all the time, but i enjoy people's company, they just assume i'm okay...i hate that. i can't really explain it, i just need a non-judgemental friend you know? well...in spanish, Emann(if thats how you spell it) came up to me and he's like "hey, i heard you hit on Brad Barrett(if thats how you spell it) everyday"...then he went on interrogating me about my being gay...then he's like "you should hit on Brad so much today, like no other, make him cry!!! and hit on Tommy too". now that didn't bug me except for the fact that i'm sooooo tired of people talking, i'm serious, i know i should be the better person and just let it go, but i seriously want to take Jason and every other junior thats said anything about my situation and smash their heads into the cement sidewalk, and kick them in the ribs. dont get me wrong, im an angel, but it hurts enough without other people amplifying it. to me, it sort of makes them look boring, i mean, if i had to sum up my day, theyd barely get a mention, i guess im just infamous or at least, something funny to talk about. Joey hasn't been really jerk-y about it so i'm just keeping away from him and avoid talking about him so that it will at least blow over with him, other people don't care, i just don't want him to think of it as another problem to deal with. ill just have to live with it, like a painful handicap with no relief. so...i walk the halls of westlake in an angry huff with a chip on my shoulder singing "love is nothing" and "you oughta know". worst part of it is, i pity these people, i want to be helpful and fun and interesting, i still try and be everyones friend. i love people, i really just want to be friendly and...perfectly unrealistic i guess. happy *sighs*. you know, all the people that made me feel like i was worthless in elementary school were still cooler than i am now. not to be self-pitying and all, but i just think im stuck in the past hence why im not really in sync with everything im in now. im afraid of getting older.
when i left math, the ally mcbeal theme song popped into my head for no reason...lunch was boring, i dont like being confined to the cafeteria. we are going to see miracle tomorrow, but ms. wat just explained the change of plans this afternoon and apparently we need to pay for our tickets now. i was happy to get home and cuddle up to a bowl of hot ramen and tv. ok well.....as the day passed, i just gathered all the thoughts i wanted to cram into this journal, but unfortunately i lost half of those and ive probably lost your attention too. so i love you all and ill seeya later!! |
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| pretty |
[Feb. 17th, 2004|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the cranberries- "pretty" | ] |
hey!! i had to return to school today. it was alright, sort of fast, boring, and i'm just lazy right now. ok well...nothing really worth mention. i got 31 out of 45 on my math test which is a 68 or 69%, thats a downer, but at lunch i was alright, i just talked to sam about parts of the episodes of sex and the city that i watched over the weekend. im sad that theres only one episode left (get out the tissues) but the ending is a little far-fetched. oh well, if youre in love, anything can happen (unless youre me that is............i take that back, a lot of people are single). oh look at me, im being romantically correct. i love that show. one of my friends really pissed me off today, rekindled all that fire, i wasnt even with them when i got mad, i just came to the realization that they are completely selfish. blah...nevermind, im actually not mad but its just frustrating. we're going to see "miracle" on thursday as a sort of field trip, i guess thats it though. thanks to valentines day, i found out that those sweethearts actually do taste good (unless they say something like "hot girl" or are the color purple, i just flush those ones down the toilet). i hope you all had good weekends. mine was ok, a little sad but im grateful and making an effort to enjoy. loveyas! |
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| St. Valentine's Day |
[Feb. 14th, 2004|11:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless and indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liz phair- "shane" | ] |
"I'd rather live in his world, than live without him in mine."
-Gladys Knight |
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| valentines day eve |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|04:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy but sad too | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liz phair | ] |
i keep on pushing harder
i keep on pushing farther...
away |
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